I heart my kiln

I love my kiln, it sounds wierd to love a big, object like that, but I really do. Sometimes when I think about running away, I get this picture in my head of myself walking up the street pulling my big kiln with a rope..ha. Yes, that's right its the bizarro world I see in my head. Crazytown USA, my husband calls it.

But really, my glass is like my baby that I tend to and nurture and hope it turns out ok. Just like my own children, whom I love both with a fierceness I cannot really put into words, but let's just say I would jump in front of a train for them if I had to, I really would.

The other day ,my eldest, Lily, said Mirabel, her sister, loved me more than she did. This made my heart hurt for her for a second, because I think she was saying she felt I loved Mirabel more than her, because you know, we make such a big deal when she stands or whatever, or takes steps..but I told her, I love you both the same. But I can recall needing to know the same thing from my Mom at times growing up, and she would tell me the same thing, that she loved us all the same. And then she would tell a story about her Mother, my Bunna, who died when I was 13.

She would say that Bunna would tell her something about love whenever she asked her about it and it went something like this. Love is like a cup, and when some pours out, it just refills automatically, so the cup is always full and there is plenty of love for everyone. Or actually that isn't what she said at all, but I can't remember the story exactly. Lily heard the proverb once too,and she thought my Mom told her something about a hair cut..ha.so who knows.

Before I forget..but how could I forget..

Ok, I have to get this down before I start buzzing too fast with my corporate job work. This is ancient history 101 for me folks, but I just found out about it yesterday. Facebook is a strange and wonderous thing, as I was in this group on FB that I belong to that discusses old deadhead stuff, one thread is all about people who died, of which it seems there were a great many casualties in the late 80's early 90's (and before and beyond) I am sure. Anyway, I was touched to discover this guy, Pablo, who I acquired my old dog from, had passed away, years ago, about the same time I was coming back into mainstream life from a life on the road.

It just seemed strange, to think about. Pablo was a sweetheart with a bad stutter, and a heroine addiction.Apparently he killed himself back in the early 90's. When he was alive though, he had a big beautiful half german shepard and half wolf, her name was Sweet Thing. At the time I was out there, in Bolinas, she had a litter of 11 puppies, one of whom was the best dog in the whole world to me, my girl Sheba. Sheba initially was adopted by my old friend Joe. But he and his girlfriend were moving somewhere away from Bolinas and he couldn't take her, and she had all ready adopted me anyway. At the time I was staying in my van which was my home for a while. I was 18 and pretty much care free. That was before the darkness came completely. I parked my little green van, I called it Quinn the Eskimo, on a cliff overlooking the Pacific ocean. Sheba lived down the road with Joe and November in the basement of a house that belonged to this crazy rich guy, whose name I can't recall. Anyway, Sheba used to come and visit me every morning and after Joe left and said I could keep her, she stayed with me for 17 years. She died 5 years ago when I was pg with my eldest daughter. Anyway, all the strange and sad news got me to thinking.

How wierd is it that people can have such a profound impact on your life, and be gone? Or, isn't it strange that people can be in your life, and influencing your life even, and you not even be aware that they are there, and they might not be either?

I am not sure why all this stuff from the late 80's is rearing back up, maybe because that's when I first started struggling with hope, during all those crazy times, that started out so awesome and free, and turned to a life of deprivation and longing for a while. I had to go through quite a few rings of fire to get through that one. I don't really feel like getting into the details, but let's just say, it got pretty rough, but the good news is I survived, and it lead me to who I am today I suppose and I am stronger person. But I am still not sure why all that old stuff is coming up. I even had a wierd sense memory about a turkey sandwich from the little shop that was there in that crazy hippie town.

After most all my friends left, I used to scrounge up money for sandwiches by selling jewelry with this old guy who was teaching me how to wire wrap way back then.I would share the sandwich with my dog.Those were the best sandwiches ever, especially after not eating for a couple of days at a time.I guess that's why I still remember what they taste like.

I remember I wanted to make and sell jewelry even then, but I had no start up money. I tried to get money from my family, but I had burned too many bridges with my family for them to give me anything but a plane ticket which is all they would offer me anymore, so it goes. I guess they wanted me home, although when I came home, they changed there mind again for a while. I can't really blame them. It wasn't me so much as this person who had attached myself to me, along with the dog. But that's another story for a different time. I have to do some worker bee work now ,but I just felt compelled to touch on that story about Pablo and Sheba back in the day. If it weren't for Sheba, I might not have made it as far as I did, and that to me is kind of strange an poignant I guess like why did I make it and he, and so many others didn't? Who knows..I will probably never know..so be it. And I am finally back to the art and jewelry making, 20 years later, how strange. Thanks Pablo for the dog who saved my life over and over, and rip..

Falling in holes

Ok, so I think I need to find a better way to deal with my stress. I continue to feel in a rough spot, and wondering when it is going to let up? Work continues to be total madness since the "resource actions". I wonder if they seriously intend for things to continue as they have the past 3 weeks?


Big brother might be watching, so I don't want to say too much about that, because as frustrating as the job is, I really need that job right now, so therefore, I am still glad I have it!

Not sure how well that is working out, but more will be revealed on that one. I mean I do need the job, but I can't kill myself with the stress and overload of work, it is trying to take over my life, I am trying to not let it as I have two beautiful children who I like to hang out with, and a life and of course my glass work, which really is the only thing I want to do. But then of course,it's like my friend said, if I only did the glass, would that feel too much like work also? Perhaps.

Its just I am not sure I want to be in corporate America at all anymore. Its like, I have always sort of felt like I square peg in a round hole, or maybe the other way, I round peg in a square hole?

I think the only company job I ever loved was at Creative Loafing, working on their internet site. But then the Internet work was booming, in the late 90's and the money was flowing and I got an offer for more money at a different company, and I really needed the money so I took it. Actually that job was pretty fun also, until an ex-boyfriend showed up.Plus I didn't really enjoy working in Smyrna. After that came the job where I met my current husband. We used to be friends at that job, smoking buddies actually, we were nicer to each other then I think.

But now, here I am, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Well that's not even true, trying to believe I can do what I want to do, which really is make glass and write. I think maybe if I only spent half my time doing glass, and half writing, maybe I wouldn't get sick of either one? The problem is I have sort of lost my faith in myself temporarily. Well I won't say lost completely, but I just have allowed myself, for reasons that I am sad to say, to become slightly beat down. That's not good, not good at all. I am trying to rectify that in my heart, because I think that's where it started. It always starts with a crack though right, and then the crack turns into a gaping wound. But its like another old friend used to say, sometimes you have to open the wound to let all the bad stuff out, especially if it was covered over for a while with lies and more heartache. But in order to really heal, one has to let all that bad stuff out, like same thing with a bullet wound, it has to come out, so the wound can heal correctly.

I threw out a lifeline today to the Atlanta Glass Guild, and joined, so I am hoping I can at least do some group shows with them I hope, later this year and make some more $$, and sell more glass. I just have to remember, that the journey isn't over, I am just on the way. To where? I am not sure yet.

tough day

Today was tough..I am sick, fought with husband, my youngest was sick at home also and I had to tell a group of demanding clients that we couldn't keep supporting them like we had been due to layoffs and my team being half the size. So..all that being said, it was a rough day. The good news is, I evaded skin cancer again! Got the call today that the last biopsy I had was benign, so that's a relief.

Being a grown up is hard sometimes. Have to make hard choices, be uncomfortable, take care of things, be strong. No one else is going to do it for me though, so I have to decide how I want my life to be, and then make it so. I have been drifting I feel like for a few years, and I am not sure how to get more focused. Any advice? Ok, well I am sad I missed jewelry class tonight, but I just wasn't feeling up to it.Ok..that's all I have to say right now! I want a vacation, but we can't afford one..so it goes. Laters!

M

Spinner ring..fun!

So I finished my spinner ring. Yay! Its pretty cool I think, its not for sale though. I made the shank from sheet metal which I cut and then shaped into a cylinder.



Then I soldered two half round wire to each end, then created another band that goes around the entire shank, and made 3 small bezels where I placed 3 glass stones which I also made and then set.


The ring was based on a demo by the lovely Terri St. Romain over at Spruill Center, but I put my own "spin" on it. haha. The demo was to create a spinner ring, but using thin rings, 3 or more, in the center, so that each little ring spun separately. I liked that design also, but I had this vision of setting some of my really small glass cabs I make, into something metal, so it was kind of cool how it came to me like that.


The ring I am pretty happy about, I want to make another one, similar style, though not exactly the same. No two I think could be exactly alike in the handmade process, as my hands are not a machine. Blood, sweat and tears baby, that's how we do it here at Rockwater glass

My brain is exploding..

OMG! Work is insane, there were 8 on the team, now there are 3 left standing, myself and two others. That means I have to absorb a ton of pages to manage and my conference calls have tripled I think too. This is not good. Honestly, it wouldn't even bother me if there had been a raise instead of a pay cut, but that is not the case. So I am just dealing with it, and its good I have a job since K doesn't right now..but he will soon we hope..

I am just glad I have jewelry class tonight so I can go there and forgot about all this mess, and how tired I am and how I feel like my life is in a holding pattern and blah blah..I think all I do is complain, but I have to get it of my chest so there you go. More later..I have to go run to the store to pick up milk and dinner for the fam..When I am working on my glass or jewelry, I just zone in on what is right in front of me and everything else, the kids, my relationship, work, money, other crap its like it all disappears...I love that..Don't get me wrong, I love my children and my husband and life is generally good, but I need that relief from the day to day craziness I live in. I want an acetelyne tank of my own to work with! but the husband is afraid I will make the house explode with a torch..ok..have to work on that...Later days!

Molly

I love making jewelry!

So I know I need to sand my silver ring that I am working on, its a spinner ring, which means it has two components, the shank, and then there's another piece of flat wire which I soldered 3 small bezels on and am going to fit 3 tiny glass cabs on to it. I am not sure if I will try to sell it, or keep it for myself. I will post pics when it is done. The thing about the jewelry making, is that it feels so personal, its hard to let go of the pieces I make. I do I have a couple of pieces over at Spruill Center up at the top of this page. I do enjoy the soldered sterling pieces though, and I am so happy I am finally getting some of the Rockwater glass cabochons I make into silver, because that was my goal three years ago when I first started taking jewelry making classes at Spruill


So we shall see, ok going to to go some sanding before I get too tired..Nighty night..