Uncomfortably numb

Lately, there has just been way too much coming at me, I feel like I am just dodging bullets every day, and so when I become overwhelmed, its like I shut down, which I think is what's happened. Trying to turn stuff around, but sometimes it seems like trying to turn around a gigantic ship, like the Titanic, which is headed for a course of disaster, and can't turn the big thing fast enough, you know? Maybe its a wasted effort. Of course before when I thought, well I will just let things go, let the chips fall where they may and just try to keep my side of the street clean, and that was kind of refreshing, like how much control do I really have over anything? Other than my own actions and how I choose to be in the world? People are going to do what they are going to do, and its frustrating, especially when other people's decisions directly effect my life and well being. But, like I said, I don't have any control really about what other people do or don't do, or how they act, only my own. So there you go, I know I am being vague, I don't feel like getting into the details right here. I feel like planting flowers. Sometimes just digging my hands into dirt helps me reground myself, which is probably sorely needed at some point. Ok, that's all I got right now..

The key is the treasure?

So, I guess I have to talk about Xmas, since that is relevant right now..it was ok. There were some wierd vibes going on, and I cried Xmas eve for the first time in months it seems. I don't know. I just became overwhelmed with sadness for a minute, because I felt completely misunderstood by someone who is supposed to "get me". It just made me pause, and cry..but I felt better and I have been catching up on sleep too, so I actually feel more rested than I have in over a year. And then I actually opened up to my Step-Mom, which hardly ever happens. The last time I think was when all this wierd stuff went down with this guy named Richard..Long before I was married, or even with K , but that is another story that I don't feel like getting into right now.

But speaking of Xmas, my Father-in-law gave me this interesting piece of art. Its like part of a scroll, the Empress of China or something..encased in sort of a plexiglass. I will have to post a picture later..but on the back, it is written "the key is the treasure". That phrase got me to thinking, what does it mean? Does it mean the journey is the destination kind of thing? That's what I thought, but I am not sure..anyway, its kind of cool, it will go well in my sort of Asian style bedroom. That was a memorable present.

The kids had a great time though, despite any wierdness between K and I. Lily was so excited, I don't think I have ever seen her so excited. Mirabel doesn't quite get the present opening, but she had fun too and seems to be working through her teething..Anyway, that's about it, a New year is almost upon us, what will it bring?

editing, punctuation and other rules

My husband reminded me that I might want to consider using punctuation in these blog posts. He doesn't like the way I let my brain spew out uncontrollable words with no editing, in the fashion of Jack Kerouac. Not that I am bold enough to try to compare myself to Kerouac, though he is one of my favorite writers. Nevertheless, I get it that not too many people appreciate that style. So in the name of improving myself, I will from this moment on solemnly swear to use punctuation as needed.

I have been thinking today about what I ultimately I wish to do with my life. That got me to thinking about why I stopped writing, except for the occasional stray poem. Not to mention, I spend all day writing for work stuff, mostly brief product blurbs but strangely mind zapping at the same time.

A while ago when I got laid off from a company called, Ezgov, in 2001. Strangely enough that is also where K and I met. We were smoking buddies, now we are just cranky ex- smokers.. After Ezgov, I worked for one year as a freelance writer, and then the gig I am in now cropped up. My goal at the time was to start writing and getting published and then try to build that up but somewhere along the way I lost sight of what I wanted to do, and also got into the glass work, which I still love .It is amazing to me that my 3 month contract job turned into 6 years and counting. That is crazy.
I think what happened was I became more focused on trying to make money, as opposed to the "if you build it they will come" sort of mentality. And to be honest, I still have my doubts, but something in my bones is telling me to write, so I am writing. If nothing else, just for the practice of it, because everyone who writes knows, the only way to do it is to write everyday, and maybe if I am lucky something I actually like plops out of my head.

Of course, that doesn't mean anyone else will like it, but I think one of the benefits of growing older, and therefore wiser, is that I really care less and less what anyone else thinks! Its very freeing. But then of course on the flippant side, I naturally want you to love me too. I mean, aren't we all ultimately seeking a loving audience who adores us? OK, peace out..