Be here now!

For some reason I was just thinking about that old Ram Dass book Be Here Now, I have the most random thoughts sometimes, anyway, it is a good philosophy to live by I think. Its so easy to get caught up in the past or the future, or whatever else I would rather be doing than what I am doing..that sometimes I do just have to take a deep breath and slow it down. Being around kids, its kind of easy to do, because they are so in the moment, and I find if I try to do much of anything other than just be with them when I am with them, that I find myself getting terribly impatient, so instead I just have to slow it down, throw a pillow on the floor, you know? Get right down there with them..it makes me feel better usually.

Anyway, I feel out of sorts tonight, still unfocused and rather unmotivated..its like I am on the verge of being motivated..but not quite there. I have been thinking a lot lately though.Earlier tonight I was thinking about when I still had hope for my career, like when I was in college, and I had these big hopes and dreams about writing and publishing and painting and doing other art. Before I was actually out in the workforce for real, when I was just day dreaming about it..man was I naive. I don't know. I guess I am jaded after all these years of working for the man and getting crumbs. I am over it..do I sound bitter? I know I do, I hate it but I mean, its just been one thing after the other lately, and I am hanging on by a very thin thread, have been for a while.
I need to find my inspiration. Perhaps I need a muse or something..maybe I just need to get laid..haha..if I could only get the hubby to stop playing that game and play me instead..ha..that is all..wish me luck..

the baby factory is closed.

I can't decide what to title this post, but I do need to write, so probably it will come to me later. Well now I can't because the baby is waking up..

Ok, its later, got the big kids, Lily and her best friend are settled with a snack and some juice and watching, Horton Hears A Who and now of course my mind is blank now..I really need to find some freelance work to make up for the dang pay cut, which I am still resentful about I might add..but I am hanging on and just using this as a way to motivate myself to try to get some stuff published. The blogging is mostly just for venting and also to practice writing, because it has been so long since I wrote with any regularity, other than my scraggly hand written journals..but it seems, I can hardly write with a pen anymore, like it seriously hurts my hand.

Ok, I kept getting interrupted today, since the kids are home from school still. They are now asleep in their beds, so I am back? Did you miss me? Is there anyone even out there?

So I am pretty much 100% that I don't want any more babies. I got a little freaked out because my "aunt flow", is a little late, and I actually got so freaked out earlier that I went hunting for an old pregnancy test which I found in the bathroom, and I peed on the stick, and it came out negative. Shew..bit sigh of relief. So Big Poppa, if you are reading this, just know I am not pg..just late and crampy..fyi..

Its like this ok..I love my kids, and if i was younger and richer and could just stay home with them and not work, I probably would have one or two more. But I am pushing 40, and we are broke with two kids and plus the last pregnancy was kind of hard on me, as was the first one. Well with my first, Lily, the pregnancy was pretty uneventful, and the birth was natural as I wanted it to be it was just right after she hell broke lose and I could have died, but I didn't. With Mirabel, it was mostly the high BP thing that threatened me the whole time, but luckily nothing ever came of it, thank goodness. So I figure, I don't know, if I were to have a third, I am afraid I might be pushing my luck, you know?

Also, in other news, just got word that my work, in addition to the paycut which I continue to bitch about, is also cutting paid holidays, we still accrue 10 days off a year, but are losing 6 paid holidays. Last year we lost our personal and sick days. itt really sucks big hairy balls too..ugh..gross analogy I know, but I am just so disgusted with them, I can't really say enough about that..even though I know its pointless, and probably ungracious to complain so damn much, but guess what, I don't care. So, I really need to put myself out there, and pull something better into my life for making money. This one seems to be very slowly and painfully taking stuff away..so I am getting less and less of what I need and what I deserve. The jerk store called! They want your job back!

The key is the treasure?

So, I guess I have to talk about Xmas, since that is relevant right now..it was ok. There were some wierd vibes going on, and I cried Xmas eve for the first time in months it seems. I don't know. I just became overwhelmed with sadness for a minute, because I felt completely misunderstood by someone who is supposed to "get me". It just made me pause, and cry..but I felt better and I have been catching up on sleep too, so I actually feel more rested than I have in over a year. And then I actually opened up to my Step-Mom, which hardly ever happens. The last time I think was when all this wierd stuff went down with this guy named Richard..Long before I was married, or even with K , but that is another story that I don't feel like getting into right now.

But speaking of Xmas, my Father-in-law gave me this interesting piece of art. Its like part of a scroll, the Empress of China or something..encased in sort of a plexiglass. I will have to post a picture later..but on the back, it is written "the key is the treasure". That phrase got me to thinking, what does it mean? Does it mean the journey is the destination kind of thing? That's what I thought, but I am not sure..anyway, its kind of cool, it will go well in my sort of Asian style bedroom. That was a memorable present.

The kids had a great time though, despite any wierdness between K and I. Lily was so excited, I don't think I have ever seen her so excited. Mirabel doesn't quite get the present opening, but she had fun too and seems to be working through her teething..Anyway, that's about it, a New year is almost upon us, what will it bring?

New habits die easy..as old ones die hard

I am good at developing bad habits, but bad at developing good ones, if that makes any sense. Ha..Like I used to smoke a pack a day..gross..and I was really good at that for many years. Now I am trying to exercise every day, and write every, and those two I am not hanging on to so much. Too bad...so sad. I guess I am sometimes just not having the energy to do all those good things, and I start wondering what is the point anyway.

I find it rather uncomfortable at times, writing I mean. I have this weird compulsion to write, but when I start writing it just ugh..I don't know..starts stirring some mirky old waters maybe. I don't know. But then it just seems trite and trivial and meaningless. Or maybe that's my internal editor kicking in trying to keep me from telling secrets..who knows. Maybe I can work it out, just taking it slow.

Ok , I must take shower..more later

Feats of strength! And other things they don't tell you about Motherhood

My favorite made up holiday is from, Seinfeld, with the character of George's father's Festivus! A festivus for the rest of of us! I love that episode, so funny. Where George's Dad creates his own holiday and the celebration involved a pole and feats of strength! I adopted that term "feats of strength" as a joke to myself whenever I have to do anything that requires crazy Mommy strength, like grocery shopping with the kids. Mirabel always wants me to carry her so I end up carrying her in one arm and shopping and pushing the cart with the other. When she was a baby she didn't like to ride in the cart either, even in her little infant seat, so I would have to carry her swinging her in her carrier with one arm, and pushing the cart with the other, being careful to switch arms, because I kept imagining one of my arms was going to get a lot bigger than the other one, like the dude in that movie "Lady in the Water".

But the alternative to do these crazy acts of strength, is listening to a baby scream and carry on while I try to shop, which is nearly impossible, especially once they are mobile. But let me just say, before I go any further, that I love my children more than anything in the whole world, even though they probably challenge me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually every single day more than anyone else either. But that's all right, because I wouldn't have it any other way, and I am so grateful to have them in my life.

As we gear up to the holidays, and I am taking some much needed time off work, and my kids will be home and so will Big Poppa..(my husband's new nickname per his request). I am actually surprised to realize, I haven't taken more than a week off with both my kids ever. That is because I am always working, since I don't get much paid time off. Though I do get a little vaca and holiday pay that I have to finish up before the end of the year so I am using it up! I can tell the kids need a break too, everyone seems burnt out. So I guess we get to have some family bonding time. Hopefully we won't kill each other! Haha..just kidding.

So anyway, I am sure I will be involved with some feats of strength over the course of the next few weeks, but it is what it is. Being a Mom has made me stronger in ways I never thought possible. Plus there are things I have learned how to do that can serve me well the rest of my life I think like sleeping with one eye open, sleeping standing up, growing eyes in the back of my head, and also finding objects at any given notice that have been lost by someone in the house so I guess Xray vision? Ok, well that is it, gotta get some stuff in the kiln..More later..

Adventures in slumping

So as some of you know, I have been playing around with glass the past few years, both fusing and slumping it in various forms in my home studio. I received my big kiln the week before my second daughter was born, a little over a year ago. You can check out some of my current work here on my glass Web site at: http://www.rockwaterglass.com or also I am selling a few items on Etsy http://www.rockwaterglass.etsy.com.

Here lately, due to tough economic times and also my own curiosity, I started slumping beer, wine and other booze bottles I have gathered from friends and family. I think the technical term is "sagging" the bottles. I find the results very interesting. I still do plenty of forms in Bullseye glass, which I love! But I try to be really purposeful and frugal with the premium glass.

The bottles are kind of interesting I think, though I am not sure I have found the right audience for them. Sagging them is pretty simple, no cutting even, I just clean them really well, and heat them up slowly to 1500 degrees and then cool them slowly and anneal andcool some more. This is pretty easily done with my progammable kiln, which is awesome, I might add.

The process of sagging makes the bottle retain its basic shape, but it just flattens out. Then I turn the bottles into different things like sun catchers, hanging the flattened bottle from a strand of various beads and chandelier parts. I also make cheese plates out of wine bottles. If nothing else, they make interesting conversation starters. When I was working at the Oakhurst Arts and Music Festival this past October, it was funny to me how many people stopped to check the "recycled bottle" cheese plates out, and ask me questions about them, it was pretty cool actually, talking to people about it. I call it "green" art.

Yesterday I wanted to see what would happen if I fused two bottles together, and the piece came out kind of interesting, not sure what to do with it now though, it didn't quite slump as much as I wanted it to, but they didn't break, because I used the same color glass. I am not sure if the melting temp varies for different colors of bottle glass, so it is all kind of experimental. It's fun though and it takes my mind off my troubles for a little while.

I also slumped some stained glass pieces I had that I can't fuse to other pieces of glass, because I don't know if it is compatible, but I slumped them by themselves over a slumping form to make a vase or candle holders.

It amuses me to see what will come out of my kiln, that is the magic of glass though, you can plan for it to look a certain way to a point, but the rest of it is, as far as how it turns out, is not so predictable. To me the process is sort of like raising children. You can guide them, you can teach them, love them, try to keep them on a safe path, but the rest is kind of up to fate maybe? Not sure if it is fate or what? But I am just hoping for the best!

That is all.

Molly

editing, punctuation and other rules

My husband reminded me that I might want to consider using punctuation in these blog posts. He doesn't like the way I let my brain spew out uncontrollable words with no editing, in the fashion of Jack Kerouac. Not that I am bold enough to try to compare myself to Kerouac, though he is one of my favorite writers. Nevertheless, I get it that not too many people appreciate that style. So in the name of improving myself, I will from this moment on solemnly swear to use punctuation as needed.

I have been thinking today about what I ultimately I wish to do with my life. That got me to thinking about why I stopped writing, except for the occasional stray poem. Not to mention, I spend all day writing for work stuff, mostly brief product blurbs but strangely mind zapping at the same time.

A while ago when I got laid off from a company called, Ezgov, in 2001. Strangely enough that is also where K and I met. We were smoking buddies, now we are just cranky ex- smokers.. After Ezgov, I worked for one year as a freelance writer, and then the gig I am in now cropped up. My goal at the time was to start writing and getting published and then try to build that up but somewhere along the way I lost sight of what I wanted to do, and also got into the glass work, which I still love .It is amazing to me that my 3 month contract job turned into 6 years and counting. That is crazy.
I think what happened was I became more focused on trying to make money, as opposed to the "if you build it they will come" sort of mentality. And to be honest, I still have my doubts, but something in my bones is telling me to write, so I am writing. If nothing else, just for the practice of it, because everyone who writes knows, the only way to do it is to write everyday, and maybe if I am lucky something I actually like plops out of my head.

Of course, that doesn't mean anyone else will like it, but I think one of the benefits of growing older, and therefore wiser, is that I really care less and less what anyone else thinks! Its very freeing. But then of course on the flippant side, I naturally want you to love me too. I mean, aren't we all ultimately seeking a loving audience who adores us? OK, peace out..

Still not feeling the love!

Ok, so I know I all ready wrote a little bit about the paycut for myself and my contractor peers who work for this big company, who I also happen to know made a lot of money this year despite the economy, and I don't mean to belabor the point but its like the more I think about it the more it pisses me off.

Especially when I think about how pretty much the 4 contractors on my particular team are all Moms and the main reason we even keep the job at all is because we are allowed to work from home, so we can be there more for our kids, but the thing that gets me is its like they got us by the balls becausethey know we all love working from home and being able to be there more for our families, and I guess they think they are doing us a favor by "letting" us keep our jobs, but I am really having a hard time dealing with this scenario and I feel totally screwed, especially when I think about how I have given six years of my life to this company and all they do is take stuff away every year..so geez, let's hope I can get some writing gigs soon because Momma needs some green! Like last year, they took away personal and sick time. This year , a 10%pay cut. Merry Xmas!

I have stuck it out through thick and thin, because of circumstances in my life that made it a good fit. Like 2 pregnancies one in 2004 and one in 2007, the latter was kind of high risk because I had high blood pressure, so I had to take it easy, though I wasn't on bed rest exactly, but it was good to work from home, so I could rest when I could. Then there was what I call the year of skin cancer and a couple of surgeries on my face 2 years ago which was a total drag and I am sure grateful I didn't work in an office then when I was looking like all scarfacey, but that's all healed up now.

Plus before that, there were oral surgeries after my first daughter was born, so I mean yes the job has served me well, but I am just feeling grossly underpaid. Have never gotten a raise, only pay cuts. I wonder if the recruiting firm took a hit on it or not? Maybe I should just put the baby on tv. Just kidding.

Last week was especially rough, my baby girl was sick, then my husband lost his fat contract gig, then a couple of days later I was informed that my main client was cutting my pay. Merry Xmas, I still have work with them but its like I told my friend, the numbers appear to be going the wrong way! So, all that being said, I decided to start writing regularly again, and trying to get published again! Its tough times right now for everyone, and I know lots of people have it a lot worse, and so I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but the pay cut, it stings a little! ouch..

Welcome to The Hard Times by Molly

So I decided to create this blog because apparently my writer's block cleared itself somehow, and I figure what better way to get started again then create a blog. So, this is a blog about my life where I plan to write about motherhood, life in Embry Hills, hot glass, the corporate world, relationships, and work. I think that about covers everything. I hope to update every day, even if it is brief, so check back often and Welcome to my world!