A quiet, dark place

I am disheartened, I am longing for something better, I am sad to admit my hopelessness right now, because on top of feeling bad, I also feel bad about feeling the way I do, which of course only makes it worse. I mean, of course I know there are many people who are way worse off then I am, that doesn't really make me feel better, it just causes me to feel guilty. Because it doesn't really do any good to compare myself to others, because I have no perspective on what other people are going through. I have empathy, sometimes I think too much, but that is something else entirely.

I don't know..I wish I could just write my silly essays and make glass art and even teach other people to make glass art, but I made the decision to buy this big ass house with K and to have two kids and all that, so I understand that I am not a victim here. Who could have predicted the economy would fall apart again, it seemed to happen pretty fast so I don't know..I mean I knew what I was getting into with all this responsibility, well I did and I didn't. I guess I did hope for the best, but I am not feeling the best coming to me right now. Maybe I am just impatient, but I don't know.

Just like my biological clock started ticking at 33 and there was this sense of impending urgency to have a baby, now that I am in my 39th year, I feel this sense of urgency to do something important with my life, something meaningful, something that makes me happy, because I also definitely know how life can be taken away at the drop of a hat, and I think to myself, I don't want to die and have not much to show for it except some wrinkly pages of poetry and some funky pieces of glass. Of course, lest I forget my two beautiful children, I guess they are my true legacy.
How many times have I been back to this place, where I am so frustrated as a creative person who is also trying to make a living and support a family. It does seem to always come back to this question. How do I resolve to make a living and help support my family and also be true to my creative side, my free spirit side? There is such a big part of me that balks at the corporate world all together, and feels like it is such a waste of energy to work for someone else to put big money into their own deep pockets, while I am scraping by and in debt. Where's my financial bail out man?

And even some of these big arts festivals, where I could probably make some bank selling glass, I am supposed to come up with hundreds of dollars in booth fees to get in. I am an artist here people, with small children and a mortgage and bills...not a trust fund baby with an artistic habit.

I don't know..sometimes it seems it would be easier and not so heartbreaking to give up on my dreams, but I can't do that. Listen, I know I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, but sometimes I need to go ahead and dwell in my own mud for a little while so I can just feel it all and get it over with and move on. This is all part of the path I have chosen I suppose, but right now, I honestly can't see the forest and trees.

When I used to get down or blue at the old house in Decatur, it was really wierd, but whenever I was having a really shitty time, I swear to god, the Jehovah's Witnesses would come to call. I am definitely not saying I am thinking of joining them by any means, but I always thought it was funny, like some sort of cosmic joke. Sometimes here at the new house I feel so lonely, people don't wander the streets like they do in town. I miss Decatur. I miss a lot of things. I am longing for something, I am not even sure what it is. Maybe its just the January blues. We shall see..