Adventures of Super Mom

Ok, so it has been way to long since I have written anything, life takes over sometimes. I started my new job at DIGITAS as a Senior Copywriter in Atlanta June 1. I guess I am officially now a Super Mom, working out of the home and also caring for my two girls, husband, house and one cat and of course doing my glass still at night and on the weekends. The fish died, so that's one less thing to have to worry about.

I worked from home for many years, and although it definitely has its benefits, there is something to be said for working outside the home in an office, where I can really focus and not be distracted by home issues, though I got pretty good at tuning that stuff out after 8 years. One thing about working from home is that even when I can tune out all the distractions, I feel guilty about not tending to them. But I am loving my job, as it allows me to really focus on one thing, which is writing, and that's what I really want to do. I was getting spread pretty thin at my previous job, trying to do all the things they put on my plate, but though I don't mind wearing many hats, it did sometimes start to feel like I was doing too many things. So, moving on.

The kids seem very happy in their new daycare also, and it is closer to home. Plus K started his new job this past week, so we are really rocking and rolling now. I seriously want to hire a maid service though, just someone to come weekly and do the stuff I hate, and don't have much time for, like dusting, vacuuming and cleaning the bathrooms. I'd rather spend my Saturdays with my kids and working on glass, not scrubbing the toilet.Ugh!

I am traveling to Stamford at the end of the month, my first trip up to the Stamford DIGITAS office, so that's cool. It will be the first time I have left my younger one overnight and only the second time I have left my older one, but I know my husband can handle it, just have to contend with my own Mommy guilt. What is that anyway?

Oh, here's a tip for those working Moms and/or Dads. Go to the grocery store during your lunch break to pick up milk or dinner things, then just stick them in the fridge at work and remember to take them home so you don't have to stop on the way home from work. Ok, that's it.There's a grocery near me where I can grab a few groceries, my lunch, a coffee and stuff for dinner all during my lunch break! Its multitasking time!

I feel like since I am writing more for my job, I need to be reading and writing more in general so that I keep my brain sharp and my words fresh. Ok, more later..

Embracing Change

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I blogged. Life takes over sometimes. Lot's of change happening right now. I am leaving my current job with IBM after 8 years in a couple of days to take a new position as a Senior Copywriter with a cool digital marketing agency called Digitas. I am excited, as it is the kind of job I always wanted. I am still kind of in shock that I got it, so thanks again universe and various decision makers, I really appreciate the opportunity.

Also, the kids are changing schools and then Lily starts kindergarden in August. It is so crazy to me that she is getting so big. I hope Mirabel does well in the new daycare. Logistically, its just better for everyone and so we change.

Next thing I want to do is clear a space in the garage so I can get an Acetylene torch for soldering jewelry. I think its time. I think I am going to take the summer off from classes while I am getting my head around my new job which starts June 1st! Its going to be wierd going to an office again and being around people, as I have been working at home solo pretty much, talking to people "virtually" for 8 years almost with IBM! But maybe it is just time for me to get back out in the world.

And really the IBM job has been great especially through 2 pregnancies and 2 infant stages and I have learned so much there, and now its like everything I have learned has lead me to this awesome new job that let's me get back to what I really love which is writing, so I am excited! Plus its a huge boost to my career, the new gig, so I am looking forward to the new challenge. We shall see what happens!

Slumping is fun!

Here are a couple of pre-slumped pictures of some of my glass in my kiln. Fun!

Above is another picture , some stuff that is going into my friend's tea shop soon! More info to come. I have to do some domestics and run to the grocery store now.

For my grandmother

Its interesting to me when people come into my mind, people that have passed away from this world. Memory is an interesting thing. Lately I have been thinking a lot about my Grandmother, my Mom's Mom, who passed a long time ago when I was 13. I loved her dearly, and still do, and she often "comes" into my mind especially when I am in need of strength, because to me she was one of the strongest women I have ever known.

I often think of her and how hard but also comforting it must have been for her to go back to the synagogue after so many years of not going after my Grandfather died. She left the Jewish faith when she married my Grandfather, because he was catholic by faith, though a stout athiest in his beliefs, more of a scientist really. My grandfather was an anthropologist and he traveled around studying Eskimos and also groups of village folks in Pakistan, so my Grandmother often traveled with him in the field. Her family pretty much disowned her when she hooked up with my grandfather because of the religious differences.

Love is sometimes as strange and wondrous thing I guess and when the two met in NY, they fell in love and all the religious rules just didn't matter.

I think my Grandmother was hit harder then my Grandfather because like I said he was a man who only believed in facts and figures, she was a more stronger spiritual person and I think she always kept a relationship with some kind of higher power I am pretty sure, especially after her eldest got sick with polio back in the 50s, not sure how else she could have gotten through that. But she made the choice to leave the synagogue to be with him, and I don't know that she regretted it, we never really talked about it. All I know is that she has been on my mind lately, and I know that after my Grandfather passed, 7 years before her, she went back to the synagogue and I have this strange vision of her in my head sitting and sewing a tapestry or a curtain, in the synagogue, because when she went back, she did a lot of volunteer work there, and I think it was part of her spiritual healing maybe. All of this is of course my patchy memory and thoughts of her of which I am not even sure the source.
When she died though I was only 13, that's when I started looking for something I think. I was studying all these different faiths, especially the more eastern philosophies, like Hinduism and also Buddhism. I think I was trying to make sense of it all, I probably still am.Its interesting that in my searching I also became very lost, trying to fill some void with the "wrong" things. Yet I have to say, was it all "bad" or "wrong" if it lead me to the place I am today with my beautiful family?

I have yet to make a decision about religion, and I don't really feel I need to have one definitively. I know I believe in something greater than myself, and that there sometimes seems to be some order in the chaos of life. But other than that, I leave it alone. I am not a fan or organized religion, maybe because I know how badly it hurt my Grandmother to be exiled, or to exile herself, from her religion, just because she married the "wrong" religion. And to me that is probably not some greater God's rule, but more a human rule, but that's just my two cents. I will get off my soap box now.

I miss her though still, and I wish she could have known my children, but for all I know she does know my children, you know? What do I know of the afterlife if there is one? Not much, as I am still here, gratefully. That is all.

I love the beach

I hope one day I can just live at the beach I mean its hard to say exactly, if I am just relaxed because I am not working, or would I feel as relaxed anywhere? I don't know, I am pretty sure it is the ocean that seems to center and calm me down, and I just don't feel so stressed out and out of sorts like I sometimes do at home. There's something to be said for island life, I think its right up my alley. St Simon's is particularly cool, because of the arts community here, there are a ton of galleries, arts festivals, artists probably also. I just feel good here, its a cool town. The beach we often go to in North Carolina, on the Atlantic also, but its not as cultural of a little town, I don't know, St Simon's is a place I could see myself living, and the kids I think would love it also. Of course I miss my kiln, but if I had that here, I would be set, of course not sure how we would live exactly, it might be a good place for my working studio? Ha..we shall see. Ok, children need me.Gotta dash!

Where’s Abby Hoffman When You Need Him?

I was talking with someone close to me recently who requested that he remain anonymous, about how right now would be the perfect time for a revolution in the United States. Maybe I think that way because there seems to be one going on inside of me. But really I think it’s much bigger than that. I think that this country needs an over haul in so many ways. Well, corporate America especially because frankly it seems an evil place.

I never realized that so much before I got laid off in 2001. The lay off itself was really just the last straw, it wasn’t even the worst of it. I am not sure if I would have survived it much longer anyway, having the creativity sucked right out of me. .I did that for two and a half years, and it only got worse and worse. It got to the point where I didn’t even care about any of the words that I wrote because I knew they were merely going to get slashed and burned like so much forest. When I started working on the Internet, it was just the beginning of the hot phase. It was like a roller coaster ride, I thought I was doing pretty good, I hopped from job to job like some kind of crazed trainhopper, making more money every time.

That’s the thing about corporate America, the things that happen, the squashing of creativity, the lay-offs, the parking passes, none of it is given or taken away for personal reasons. It’s all about money. Money, money, money. As a writer working on the edge of a corporate job as an underpaid contractor, I struggle. I understand the need and craving for money, but what blows my mind is the lying and crazy schemed these big corporations create in order to make gobs and gobs of money. More money than anyone could possibly spend surely in a lifetime. So, at any rate, this is why I feel like we need a revolution because things are going to hell in a hand basket, and since it appears that everything is based on the stock market and the stock market is about as stable as my uncle’s boat and I might add here that the motor has fallen off of my uncle’s boat several times. Everyone freaks out when the stock market crashes and everyone gets scared and stops spending money, it leaves a vacuum. When there is a vacuum there is an imbalance of power, and that, my friends is the perfect time for a revolution.

I don’t know much about history because of the way it was taught in school bored me to tears. The only thing that was interesting to me was the part about revolutions. There have been so many in Russia, though that seems to have slowed down for now. The ones in France involved a lot of beheadings. I am not really talking about that kind of revolution, I am talking about the old fashioned kind from the sixties that were also before my time. Once in my life have I have been exposed to people at least claiming to start a revolution. It was a rough time in my life when I lived on the street for a time in California. At one point, I drifted up to Santa Cruz with some other people, where we set up a tent in a place called Davenport and I lived there at the campground for 6 weeks. During the day my friends and I would hang out on the mall in Santa Cruz. There were these weird people with shaved heads who stood out on the mall all day also, handing out flyers about revolution and how there was one starting underground, who was going to work its way up to the government. I wonder what ever happened to those people? Maybe they are on Facebook, who knows.

Uncomfortably numb

Lately, there has just been way too much coming at me, I feel like I am just dodging bullets every day, and so when I become overwhelmed, its like I shut down, which I think is what's happened. Trying to turn stuff around, but sometimes it seems like trying to turn around a gigantic ship, like the Titanic, which is headed for a course of disaster, and can't turn the big thing fast enough, you know? Maybe its a wasted effort. Of course before when I thought, well I will just let things go, let the chips fall where they may and just try to keep my side of the street clean, and that was kind of refreshing, like how much control do I really have over anything? Other than my own actions and how I choose to be in the world? People are going to do what they are going to do, and its frustrating, especially when other people's decisions directly effect my life and well being. But, like I said, I don't have any control really about what other people do or don't do, or how they act, only my own. So there you go, I know I am being vague, I don't feel like getting into the details right here. I feel like planting flowers. Sometimes just digging my hands into dirt helps me reground myself, which is probably sorely needed at some point. Ok, that's all I got right now..

I heart my kiln

I love my kiln, it sounds wierd to love a big, object like that, but I really do. Sometimes when I think about running away, I get this picture in my head of myself walking up the street pulling my big kiln with a rope..ha. Yes, that's right its the bizarro world I see in my head. Crazytown USA, my husband calls it.

But really, my glass is like my baby that I tend to and nurture and hope it turns out ok. Just like my own children, whom I love both with a fierceness I cannot really put into words, but let's just say I would jump in front of a train for them if I had to, I really would.

The other day ,my eldest, Lily, said Mirabel, her sister, loved me more than she did. This made my heart hurt for her for a second, because I think she was saying she felt I loved Mirabel more than her, because you know, we make such a big deal when she stands or whatever, or takes steps..but I told her, I love you both the same. But I can recall needing to know the same thing from my Mom at times growing up, and she would tell me the same thing, that she loved us all the same. And then she would tell a story about her Mother, my Bunna, who died when I was 13.

She would say that Bunna would tell her something about love whenever she asked her about it and it went something like this. Love is like a cup, and when some pours out, it just refills automatically, so the cup is always full and there is plenty of love for everyone. Or actually that isn't what she said at all, but I can't remember the story exactly. Lily heard the proverb once too,and she thought my Mom told her something about a hair cut..ha.so who knows.

Before I forget..but how could I forget..

Ok, I have to get this down before I start buzzing too fast with my corporate job work. This is ancient history 101 for me folks, but I just found out about it yesterday. Facebook is a strange and wonderous thing, as I was in this group on FB that I belong to that discusses old deadhead stuff, one thread is all about people who died, of which it seems there were a great many casualties in the late 80's early 90's (and before and beyond) I am sure. Anyway, I was touched to discover this guy, Pablo, who I acquired my old dog from, had passed away, years ago, about the same time I was coming back into mainstream life from a life on the road.

It just seemed strange, to think about. Pablo was a sweetheart with a bad stutter, and a heroine addiction.Apparently he killed himself back in the early 90's. When he was alive though, he had a big beautiful half german shepard and half wolf, her name was Sweet Thing. At the time I was out there, in Bolinas, she had a litter of 11 puppies, one of whom was the best dog in the whole world to me, my girl Sheba. Sheba initially was adopted by my old friend Joe. But he and his girlfriend were moving somewhere away from Bolinas and he couldn't take her, and she had all ready adopted me anyway. At the time I was staying in my van which was my home for a while. I was 18 and pretty much care free. That was before the darkness came completely. I parked my little green van, I called it Quinn the Eskimo, on a cliff overlooking the Pacific ocean. Sheba lived down the road with Joe and November in the basement of a house that belonged to this crazy rich guy, whose name I can't recall. Anyway, Sheba used to come and visit me every morning and after Joe left and said I could keep her, she stayed with me for 17 years. She died 5 years ago when I was pg with my eldest daughter. Anyway, all the strange and sad news got me to thinking.

How wierd is it that people can have such a profound impact on your life, and be gone? Or, isn't it strange that people can be in your life, and influencing your life even, and you not even be aware that they are there, and they might not be either?

I am not sure why all this stuff from the late 80's is rearing back up, maybe because that's when I first started struggling with hope, during all those crazy times, that started out so awesome and free, and turned to a life of deprivation and longing for a while. I had to go through quite a few rings of fire to get through that one. I don't really feel like getting into the details, but let's just say, it got pretty rough, but the good news is I survived, and it lead me to who I am today I suppose and I am stronger person. But I am still not sure why all that old stuff is coming up. I even had a wierd sense memory about a turkey sandwich from the little shop that was there in that crazy hippie town.

After most all my friends left, I used to scrounge up money for sandwiches by selling jewelry with this old guy who was teaching me how to wire wrap way back then.I would share the sandwich with my dog.Those were the best sandwiches ever, especially after not eating for a couple of days at a time.I guess that's why I still remember what they taste like.

I remember I wanted to make and sell jewelry even then, but I had no start up money. I tried to get money from my family, but I had burned too many bridges with my family for them to give me anything but a plane ticket which is all they would offer me anymore, so it goes. I guess they wanted me home, although when I came home, they changed there mind again for a while. I can't really blame them. It wasn't me so much as this person who had attached myself to me, along with the dog. But that's another story for a different time. I have to do some worker bee work now ,but I just felt compelled to touch on that story about Pablo and Sheba back in the day. If it weren't for Sheba, I might not have made it as far as I did, and that to me is kind of strange an poignant I guess like why did I make it and he, and so many others didn't? Who knows..I will probably never know..so be it. And I am finally back to the art and jewelry making, 20 years later, how strange. Thanks Pablo for the dog who saved my life over and over, and rip..

Falling in holes

Ok, so I think I need to find a better way to deal with my stress. I continue to feel in a rough spot, and wondering when it is going to let up? Work continues to be total madness since the "resource actions". I wonder if they seriously intend for things to continue as they have the past 3 weeks?


Big brother might be watching, so I don't want to say too much about that, because as frustrating as the job is, I really need that job right now, so therefore, I am still glad I have it!

Not sure how well that is working out, but more will be revealed on that one. I mean I do need the job, but I can't kill myself with the stress and overload of work, it is trying to take over my life, I am trying to not let it as I have two beautiful children who I like to hang out with, and a life and of course my glass work, which really is the only thing I want to do. But then of course,it's like my friend said, if I only did the glass, would that feel too much like work also? Perhaps.

Its just I am not sure I want to be in corporate America at all anymore. Its like, I have always sort of felt like I square peg in a round hole, or maybe the other way, I round peg in a square hole?

I think the only company job I ever loved was at Creative Loafing, working on their internet site. But then the Internet work was booming, in the late 90's and the money was flowing and I got an offer for more money at a different company, and I really needed the money so I took it. Actually that job was pretty fun also, until an ex-boyfriend showed up.Plus I didn't really enjoy working in Smyrna. After that came the job where I met my current husband. We used to be friends at that job, smoking buddies actually, we were nicer to each other then I think.

But now, here I am, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Well that's not even true, trying to believe I can do what I want to do, which really is make glass and write. I think maybe if I only spent half my time doing glass, and half writing, maybe I wouldn't get sick of either one? The problem is I have sort of lost my faith in myself temporarily. Well I won't say lost completely, but I just have allowed myself, for reasons that I am sad to say, to become slightly beat down. That's not good, not good at all. I am trying to rectify that in my heart, because I think that's where it started. It always starts with a crack though right, and then the crack turns into a gaping wound. But its like another old friend used to say, sometimes you have to open the wound to let all the bad stuff out, especially if it was covered over for a while with lies and more heartache. But in order to really heal, one has to let all that bad stuff out, like same thing with a bullet wound, it has to come out, so the wound can heal correctly.

I threw out a lifeline today to the Atlanta Glass Guild, and joined, so I am hoping I can at least do some group shows with them I hope, later this year and make some more $$, and sell more glass. I just have to remember, that the journey isn't over, I am just on the way. To where? I am not sure yet.

tough day

Today was tough..I am sick, fought with husband, my youngest was sick at home also and I had to tell a group of demanding clients that we couldn't keep supporting them like we had been due to layoffs and my team being half the size. So..all that being said, it was a rough day. The good news is, I evaded skin cancer again! Got the call today that the last biopsy I had was benign, so that's a relief.

Being a grown up is hard sometimes. Have to make hard choices, be uncomfortable, take care of things, be strong. No one else is going to do it for me though, so I have to decide how I want my life to be, and then make it so. I have been drifting I feel like for a few years, and I am not sure how to get more focused. Any advice? Ok, well I am sad I missed jewelry class tonight, but I just wasn't feeling up to it.Ok..that's all I have to say right now! I want a vacation, but we can't afford one..so it goes. Laters!

M

Spinner ring..fun!

So I finished my spinner ring. Yay! Its pretty cool I think, its not for sale though. I made the shank from sheet metal which I cut and then shaped into a cylinder.



Then I soldered two half round wire to each end, then created another band that goes around the entire shank, and made 3 small bezels where I placed 3 glass stones which I also made and then set.


The ring was based on a demo by the lovely Terri St. Romain over at Spruill Center, but I put my own "spin" on it. haha. The demo was to create a spinner ring, but using thin rings, 3 or more, in the center, so that each little ring spun separately. I liked that design also, but I had this vision of setting some of my really small glass cabs I make, into something metal, so it was kind of cool how it came to me like that.


The ring I am pretty happy about, I want to make another one, similar style, though not exactly the same. No two I think could be exactly alike in the handmade process, as my hands are not a machine. Blood, sweat and tears baby, that's how we do it here at Rockwater glass

My brain is exploding..

OMG! Work is insane, there were 8 on the team, now there are 3 left standing, myself and two others. That means I have to absorb a ton of pages to manage and my conference calls have tripled I think too. This is not good. Honestly, it wouldn't even bother me if there had been a raise instead of a pay cut, but that is not the case. So I am just dealing with it, and its good I have a job since K doesn't right now..but he will soon we hope..

I am just glad I have jewelry class tonight so I can go there and forgot about all this mess, and how tired I am and how I feel like my life is in a holding pattern and blah blah..I think all I do is complain, but I have to get it of my chest so there you go. More later..I have to go run to the store to pick up milk and dinner for the fam..When I am working on my glass or jewelry, I just zone in on what is right in front of me and everything else, the kids, my relationship, work, money, other crap its like it all disappears...I love that..Don't get me wrong, I love my children and my husband and life is generally good, but I need that relief from the day to day craziness I live in. I want an acetelyne tank of my own to work with! but the husband is afraid I will make the house explode with a torch..ok..have to work on that...Later days!

Molly

I love making jewelry!

So I know I need to sand my silver ring that I am working on, its a spinner ring, which means it has two components, the shank, and then there's another piece of flat wire which I soldered 3 small bezels on and am going to fit 3 tiny glass cabs on to it. I am not sure if I will try to sell it, or keep it for myself. I will post pics when it is done. The thing about the jewelry making, is that it feels so personal, its hard to let go of the pieces I make. I do I have a couple of pieces over at Spruill Center up at the top of this page. I do enjoy the soldered sterling pieces though, and I am so happy I am finally getting some of the Rockwater glass cabochons I make into silver, because that was my goal three years ago when I first started taking jewelry making classes at Spruill


So we shall see, ok going to to go some sanding before I get too tired..Nighty night..

Sitting at Java Monkey

So I am working remotely today, as I had to have the car worked on, and I am sitting at the Java Monkey in Decatur. Hollis Gillespie is here, looks like interviewing someone..cool..I wish I was a "real" writer. I feel like such a poser most the time. I wonder who she is writing for these days? Things are nutty at work. Layoffs, but not me it looks like, but it still sucks. I honestly don't think I can handle it much longer, but I have to bring in money. I used to want to write so much...but now when I do, I just feel terrible, like so boring and mediocre, but I always feel crappy like that in January so I don't know. I guess its just frustrating to do much of anything today, and I am not feeling the love! So I just keep plugging away working on my glass and writing a little.

Speaking of glass, maybe I can write about that with some joy? Its like occasionally something comes out of the kiln and its like magical. That's what happened yesterday. Now if I could just sell some stuff. Ok, this dang stuff is getting on my nerves.

Is everything falling apart?

Ok, so things are kind of a mess right now in the economy, let's face it but what can you do? Just have to keep moving forward, doing what I can. What else is there? I am a survivor on many different levels so I know one way or another, I will get through this.

Up at Big Sur

We were almost broke in Santa Cruz
so we booked on up the coast
to Monterey.
We stumble along a steep trail
14 miles to the sulphur springs,
the smell of rotten eggs
hangs thick in the air.

I drink too much
from the tainted canteen
and slowly change into a lizard,
slither down the rocky bank
into the cool, rushing river
and climb up on a rock
in the middle.

Billy Rainbow beckons for me
to come get warm
at the campfire.
I refuse to budge,
“the river might stop!”
I sit swinging my feet
in the cool water
neon colors streaking by
as Indian figures peer
from behind Redwood trees
on the other side, knowing.


© Molly McHaney Krava

Falling in holes

For as long as I can remember, I have these periods of time where I sort of feel like I have stepped into a hole of some sort, like a hole of negativity hole, a black hole, as it were. Right now I am supposed to be looking into why these damn pages on one of my IBM page isn't working. That's pretty much what I do anymore is damage control, same with my life. Maybe my job reflects my life in a wierd kind of way? I have been in a bit of a funk, partly hormonal I think after I weaned Mirabel, things kind of went to hell in a handbasket. Anyway, I don't have time to write much more, here is a poem that describes it:





If the world is round


If the world is round,
I am rounder

If the world is a sad place,
I am touched

If the river runs through it,
I am underwater

Don’t let the wind blow me away-
let the light turn me to dust
and swallow me up

Let me bask in the loveliness
of your first glimpse of me
and mine of you, forever

So I can feel the emptiness
rush away in a surge
of forgiveness

I want to watch you grow older
as I become old as sin
and the dark things that sometimes linger
from long ago - drift more distantly from my mind,
like fog rolling over the rocks
of ancient history..


© Molly McHaney Krava

So flipping tired!

I should probably go to bed early, but instead I am messing around on Facebook. I am actually dizzy from being tired..I wanted to try and get a few words in, but its like when I sit down to write, nothing comes out.even though I think of stuff all day long I could write about. It did occur to me earlier how writing is just so I don't know...not comfortable exactly, though I have this compulsion to write.making.the glass seems to calm my spirits, the writing seems to agitate them. Ok, for lack of anything I feel like writing, here is a previously written poem:

Driving Across Country With Eight Deadheads and Not Much Else


It wasn’t so bad
living in the lime green Chevy
with three on the tree
traveling around forgetting
where I’d been the night before
moving across the country
like a fast, curvy line
drawn on a map
in an old movie.
We roamed from Maine to California,
cramped by then since there were eight
of us, I always had shot-gun
if I wasn’t driving or asleep;
Bongo Mike and Cricket
fought over me then
and Chaz couldn’t drive
because he saw the windshield melting,
so I drove a lot. Utah
was the most beautiful
with it’s rock formations
shaped like sad Native faces
and large feet, and I remember
being in a time warp
listening to Dylan
“Like a Rolling Stone”
and the quiet out there
in the desert
was peacefully
overwhelming.

© Molly McHaney Krava

What goes down must go up..

Ok..so I am in a much better space today then I have been, not for any real reason, just lightened up maybe? Not sure..It occurred to me that its not the dark spaces that are important, its the finding oneself back into the light..right? I don't know..And yes I may have to take another job, and no I don't have the money to secure my spot in a lot of festivals this spring, and no I don't have a lot of money in general..but my kids are healthy..and happy and life is grooving along, so I can't believe. I still have some ???? but waiting and seeing..more later.

A quiet, dark place

I am disheartened, I am longing for something better, I am sad to admit my hopelessness right now, because on top of feeling bad, I also feel bad about feeling the way I do, which of course only makes it worse. I mean, of course I know there are many people who are way worse off then I am, that doesn't really make me feel better, it just causes me to feel guilty. Because it doesn't really do any good to compare myself to others, because I have no perspective on what other people are going through. I have empathy, sometimes I think too much, but that is something else entirely.

I don't know..I wish I could just write my silly essays and make glass art and even teach other people to make glass art, but I made the decision to buy this big ass house with K and to have two kids and all that, so I understand that I am not a victim here. Who could have predicted the economy would fall apart again, it seemed to happen pretty fast so I don't know..I mean I knew what I was getting into with all this responsibility, well I did and I didn't. I guess I did hope for the best, but I am not feeling the best coming to me right now. Maybe I am just impatient, but I don't know.

Just like my biological clock started ticking at 33 and there was this sense of impending urgency to have a baby, now that I am in my 39th year, I feel this sense of urgency to do something important with my life, something meaningful, something that makes me happy, because I also definitely know how life can be taken away at the drop of a hat, and I think to myself, I don't want to die and have not much to show for it except some wrinkly pages of poetry and some funky pieces of glass. Of course, lest I forget my two beautiful children, I guess they are my true legacy.
How many times have I been back to this place, where I am so frustrated as a creative person who is also trying to make a living and support a family. It does seem to always come back to this question. How do I resolve to make a living and help support my family and also be true to my creative side, my free spirit side? There is such a big part of me that balks at the corporate world all together, and feels like it is such a waste of energy to work for someone else to put big money into their own deep pockets, while I am scraping by and in debt. Where's my financial bail out man?

And even some of these big arts festivals, where I could probably make some bank selling glass, I am supposed to come up with hundreds of dollars in booth fees to get in. I am an artist here people, with small children and a mortgage and bills...not a trust fund baby with an artistic habit.

I don't know..sometimes it seems it would be easier and not so heartbreaking to give up on my dreams, but I can't do that. Listen, I know I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, but sometimes I need to go ahead and dwell in my own mud for a little while so I can just feel it all and get it over with and move on. This is all part of the path I have chosen I suppose, but right now, I honestly can't see the forest and trees.

When I used to get down or blue at the old house in Decatur, it was really wierd, but whenever I was having a really shitty time, I swear to god, the Jehovah's Witnesses would come to call. I am definitely not saying I am thinking of joining them by any means, but I always thought it was funny, like some sort of cosmic joke. Sometimes here at the new house I feel so lonely, people don't wander the streets like they do in town. I miss Decatur. I miss a lot of things. I am longing for something, I am not even sure what it is. Maybe its just the January blues. We shall see..

Faries in the woods

So its true, one time many years ago I was in these woods over off Ponce de leon with this dude who called himself a warlock and there were two fairies coming toward us in the woods. And much later years later, I ran into that same guy in Santa Cruz when I was hanging out with a bunch of people on the mall. Oh wow, and that reminds me how we all somehow managed to scrape some money together, much of which we borrowed from Dave the Baker, to rent this beautiful house in Walnut Creek.

I am sure the neighbors were thrilled when they saw a bunch of dirty hippies coming up that hill. The house was quite beautiful, it had a lot of windows, and it had a big deck. It was big house as I recall, 4 bedrooms and we are all supposed to get jobs, but then ofcourse, none of us could find jobs, because we were dirty hippies, with no alarm clocks, and no clean clothes, and no money to clean clothes. I think the idea behind the house was to get a job we needed a house..but to keep the house we needed jobs, its a viscious cycle, it was then and it is now. But I digress. I remember that guy Jeff had a puppy also that he had acquired and the puppy was always spilling our drinks and trying to drink our rum.

Then, after a while, Jeff starting flipping out and saying there was a ghost in the house, and maybe there was because doors were always closing and wierd stuff like that as I recall. Or maybe he was making that up so he didn't have to sleep all alone in his room downstairs, when all the chicks were upstairs, me, Cheryl and Cindy. Anyway, not sure what made think about that. Reconnecting with old friends on Facebook made me think of it.

Well today there was a big discussion about people from the old HS crew, and this girl who died. A lot of people died, its a wonder I made it really. If it wasn't for a wierd dude named Billy Rainbow, I probably would be dead right now, but he was the one guy for some reason, who was able to keep me from doing something really stupid. So I did a lot of other stupid things, but not enough to kill me, not yet anyway!